Today marks 7 months into being single, but even more so, I was thinking back to last year on Super Bowl Sunday. I had met up with a friend, and ended up breaking down crying after he had asked me just the right question about my life. I just fucking lost it, revealing that what looked like a pretty great life and marriage was making me so unhappy that I didn’t want to get up in the morning. I’m not sure that I realized how bad it had become until those words came out of my mouth. After that, what I had known silently for longer than I’d like to admit was all I could think about. And I was scared shitless. I wondered if I could make it on my own. I had lived in Seattle for less than a year, and only had a handful of acquaintances. I didn’t have a car. What about our dogs? Financially, it seemed impossible.
And here I am today, 1 year later, and I love my life so much. I like myself, most importantly, and that took awhile. I beat myself up for waiting so long to face the truth of my unhappiness, but I don’t do that anymore. I embrace the strength it took me to leave, and start over. Today, I have a group of friends, real friends that I see regularly. I still don’t have a car, and I take the bus or walk everywhere. My ex has custody of our dogs, and I miss them dearly, but they needed to stay together, and I think he needed them more than I did. And financially. . . well, it’s tough, but I am making it work. And I’m proud that I am doing this on my own, everyday.
I didn’t know that I was going to write about this topic at all. I was planning on writing about dating, but these words spilled out instead. And it feels so good to have said them out loud. Even though I knew that I wasn’t the only person to ever feel like this, I wanted to see these words somewhere. The worst thing for me was feeling so alone, while working up the courage to ask for a divorce. This last year has taught me to live my life out loud, instead of fearfully, quietly using the voice in my head. It has been hard, and at times, I thought that I might be losing my mind, but the past couple of months have been different, and better, and I finally stopped questioning whether or not I made the right decision.